So much has happened to me while I have written this blog.

Some of it has been quite amazing, a lot of it very tragic. Right now I want to let this person go.

I am reworking the old Adelle.

Let me finish the story, because I hate it when movies end with lose ends, although as an adult I know that life doesn’t wrap everything up in a nice package.

Willett my husband, moved back in. We started by just hanging out together and not sleeping together just hanging out together. It was great and I am a little sad that the situation forced us to take another path.

We could have really used the opportunity to just see each other as lovers first, but we are now back to being husband and wife.

It is hard for both of us. We are required to have a level of emotional honesty and emotional awareness that is hard to maintain. We are both very drained.

My life and Willett’s is focussed on our relationship, it is our number one priority. Which is the way it should be. We are going to counselling and it has been very good. No more taking my marriage for granted. No more assuming it is strong and perfect. It might be the worlds most broken relationship, but it is my relationship and I think it is wonderful. I can have other relationships that might be easier, but I want this one. I want to be with Willett and the reason why is so hard to explain. It isn’t that he is perfect, but maybe he is just the one for me. No one else evokes the feeling I get from him. The words for better or worse spring to mind.

I hope that it will become easier with time, that we develop healthier habits that become natural and easy, just like when you change your diet to something healthier. At first you may not like celery and carrots, but if you stick with it, you will soon love the taste and maintaining the healthy way of eating isn’t too hard.  You may even find the thing you find hardest to give up you don’t have to at all, because dark chocolate is apparentally really good for you.

But I have no energy for anything else. Not blogging or uni or anything.

I haven’t given up on everything though, I still have plans. I have dropped down to a partime load at uni, but I will return next year and I will finish my degree.

I have cocooned myself from the world, but I am starting to peek outside again. I am still really afraid, of so many things. Of people’s judgement, of my own. So I go back to my cocoon and work on myself and my marriage.

I will probably start a new blog one day, hopefully a happy one. I keep wishing for a life without drama, which is hilarious because that is how I felt when I started this blog. Perhaps I need to admit that for people like me drama is just a way of life. Not that I choose to have drama, but the more I avoid it, the worse it becomes.

Anyway life goes on. I am a woman whose marriage needs lots of work, a mother of two beautiful boys and a partime student in electrical engineering. I wonder what I will be next?

Bye.

Tomas’s team made it to the Grand final only to be disqualified.

The story is a little complicated, but goes like this; the team was down players for the semi final, the rules for junior rugby league state that subs can be brought in but they must have played a minimum number of games for the team. So 2 players from the premier side were brought in for the semi final and Junior rugby league were informed. The new players were officially approved. We won the semi and the opposing team appealled on the grounds that we had 2 players from the premier team playing for us. They really didn’t know who it was and made a guess at the two players who scored. One of whom was Tomas, but the other was indeed from the premier side. JRL conceeded and disqualified our team, very unfortunate.

Firstly JRL should not have approved the 2 premier side boys and secondly I wish we hadn’t of used them. I am sure the boys could have won without them. Thirdly I don’t think premier side boys should be allowed to play for a division 4 team ever. Yes we would have been at a disadvantage missing some core players, but really that is just bad luck. I guess a good plan is to get the opposing team to approve any changes to the player list before the game.

Still it was an exciting game, with Tomas scoring the winning try one minute before the end of the game.

Relationship news:

Willett has moved back in. A lot sooner than expected. We were taking it slow and dating each other rather than moving straight back into being married, but life didn’t want us to take ourtime and threw us a curve ball.

Firstly, Willett was told to move out from the place he is staying, the reason being, that he shouldn’t be seeing me, that he should instead be getting used to being single. Possibly good advice, but surely the decision is entirely up to him. Of course when faced with a homeless husband who I am dating, I find it hard to send him onto the streets, so instead I offered for him to move back in. The other pressing issue was that Willett was planning to sign a lease with another person, which was a difficult thing to do when we were in the process of working things out.

In the end it is our life and as messy as it is, we get to live it how we choose. I certainly don’t want to add to an already difficult process the expectations of other people. The only people whose expectations really matter are the kids, other than that, everyone else gets to care as much as they want and can give advice, which I will listen to, but they don’t get to make the choice.

I already know that my family and friends get this, they have all proven to be fantastic at offering support, no strings attached. Great big hugs.

1) Throw yourself at your ex husband.

2) Expect your ex boyfriend to want you back.

I really did know that, I really really did.

I would be sad, in fact I was sad, but with my twisted sense of humor, I can’t help but laugh at myself.

My heart leaps into my throat, relax, no biggie, this is what he is like, just give him a rub make him feel better. I really want to make him feel better.

This is how it started, I am vaguely aware that I had been closer to him lately. More likely to flirt, but I did not notice any change in feelings until then. We had an exam and then after the exam I found it hard to think about things other than him, never a good sign.

I don’t say anything to him, no not to him, because I suspect perhaps he isn’t joking when he says he thinks I am awesome. I wait until I am home and I talk to my husband. He thinks I should try to ignore the feeling and not say anything.

So we go the next day and I laugh, while inside I cry. Gah I can hardly breathe, what is wrong with me. Sort yourself out girl. I go to the lake to write and cry. To wish for something that seem impossible. I want impossible. I am afraid of my feelings, I could just be tired or hormonal. I think if I face the reality of this person they will disapoint, but I didn’t realise that he had a hidden sensitivity and that he would soothe my wounds, wounds left by my husband.

Still I thought I would get over it, my husband would show him up, he always had before. My feelings for my husband were always so much stronger than any passing infatuation. Not this time, the feelings I have for my husband………………………….well they are strong, but they aren’t all love and sweetness.

No

This was the problem.

I do have real friends those are the ones that caution me against running head long into a new relationship but aren’t angry at me for being happy with someone else and know in the end it is my decision and I am the one who has to live with it. Then there are others who seem to think I have no right to be happy as if it is an offense. Would they advise that I now go back to my husband and continue to pretend to be happy? Perhaps I just have to show the world that I really have suffered first.

Society demands that I remain alone for a certain amount of time, that I don’t date someone so much younger than me.  Apparently I am not entitled to any intimacy with another person, even though I have effectively been without any for over a year.

Last year I was effectively a single mum, my husband was in love with a cafe. I hardly ever saw him and when I did we argued,  he cut me out. I have done the be single for awhile. He was too tired to talk to me and honestly I was too tired to talk to him. I can forgive the cheating, but I can’t forgive that he cared more for the cafe and the cafe people than me. While I am actually partially to blame for the loss of connection, the point it is happened.

For awhile the other man got a bit of flack for “stealing a married woman”. Firstly you can’t steal a person, they give freely of themselves. Secondly all he did was say I am allowed to be happy and never once said or suggested that it had to be him. Thirdly he cares enough about me to deal with all the issues that come with this extremely messy territory.

I am not ashamed of my decision. I know why I made it, perhaps not the best decision, but the reasons are human and very understandable. Take a step back, I was devastated by the actions of my husband, for me there were no longer any wedding vows. A friend became close to me and I was told by Willett to choose. I didn’t want to choose and I still haven’t.

I wasn’t ready to give up the person who wished for my happiness before everything, who wished my husband would pack up faster and go home to his wife. Who wished that my husband treated me better and tried to make him realise what he had. I couldn’t give up the person who showed me so much consideration. Consideration at a time when all other support seemed so far away.

Hindsight is  a wonderful thing, but unfortunately what might seem obvious to those around you at the time, you can completely miss because it is far to close to home.

Everyday, I did my best.

Everyday, I tried to make the right decision and I know I failed.

I have hurt my husband, I have hurt my children, I have hurt my friends, but it was never my intention.

Back home there a whole heap of friends who will let me be happy, not to mention my family. An entire support network just waiting. A great university, yes I could relocate. Of course that would suck for my kids and for my husband.

That was written months ago. I have changed the tense to make it more sensible andmade it shorter, but the story is the same.

So now, I find myself struggling with a situation I did not choose. I did not choose for my marriage to fall apart. I did not choose to have feelings for someone else. I most certainly did not choose for my husband to withdraw so completely from me that he could throw our marriage away.

I did not want to be where I am now, I want to be back where I was before the adultery, before the cafe, before brisbane, before he cheated the first time. I want my life back!

Willett knew the deal, if he cheated again I would leave, that was the deal. He isn’t owed a third chance, but he got one and he didn’t/couldn’t make the most of it. We didn’t get counselling, because we didn’t have money. So much money thrown at the cafe to keep it afloat, but not a cent thrown at our marriage. We didn’t hang out together, he didn’t try to find time to be with me. He took my forgivness and assumed all was well.

When things went bad, he didn’t have any ability to deal with it. His behaviour from telling me to go out and then demanding an ultimatum, to being abusive or violent, to his refusal to see that I want to see some sort of committment to me without any promise of anything in return, has been no where near what it needs to be for us to reconcile. For some reason though it is my fault we haven’t reconcilled.

Of course I want to see that he can demonstrate loyalty, loyalty under conditions where there isn’t a return promise. He broke me, he broke my faith so bad, of course I need to seem some demonstration. Trust has to be earnt now, slowly earnt back.

In the meantime I hurt someone else because they will do all these things, they will demonstrate the loyalty without anything in return, they will just spend the time waiting for me to stop being so scared, slowly building trust, showing empathy. It isn’t my husband though and it hurts because I want my life back.

So I am slowly facing that what I want is gone. I can’t have it back. I have to make a new life, but I really miss my old one.

I have done something very sensible, but it has left me feeling not so sensible, but I have faced something about myself, I just don’t know what to do about it.

I am happy now because I achieved something today. I spent $80 and now have enough food to feed 3 people and 2 dogs for at least a week. I am always proud that I can feed my family especially on such a limited budget. It isn’t a big thing doing the shopping and meeting a budget, but I get a huge feeling of accomplishment.

I have moved the dogs to sleeping downstairs. It probably would have happened earlier, had we not always had other people living down there. This is working out quite well and the house is smelling far less doggy. The dogs need to be inside at night otherwise they bark and this is not acceptable for me or my neighbours, although I am going to try to leave the door open tonight, if they bark I will close it again.

Tomas, my eldest, scored his first try last week. I was so proud, I nearly cried. I must admit that this is a rather embarassing thing to admit too. Tomas has never scored in any of his club games. This is the first time and I think that it is a huge psychological barrier that he has just broken.

Pug scored in first game and has been outstanding player ever since. Last week 4 trys, hundreds of tackles and my proudest moment him eating about a metre of dirt before picking himself up and returning the favour, I have to admit my children are quite good at this Rugby thing.

I have a relationship with Disco, if this was facebook, I would be changing my status from “in a relationship” to “its complicated”.  I love Disco and perhaps that isn’t enough for us to over come the difficulties facing our relationship, but I do love the strange and twisted man. The thing about relationships is that other people want to be able to give it a label and I don’t know what label will fit, the old one is not going to work.

So many times on this recent trajectory I have been on, I have decided to break with Disco or leave Willett forever or hope for something longterm with Disco or make up with Willett. None of these things are really important. I can’t committ to any decision because I haven’t let go. I haven’t let go of my old path, the path I choose before, the one where I was married to a great guy and I went to uni and we raised the kids. The one where I knew where I was heading and why I was heading there.

So no matter if any of the above come true, hopefully it will not be because it was comfortable and safe, but because it is true. So easy to say, but feels impossible to do.

I didn’t mean to infer that the people there that night aren’t nice people. They are nice people, they just weren’t being nice and I didn’t understand why.

I had hoped that some of them might assure me that they were nice,

that they had gotten carried away with it that night, because thats how I feel.

 

I really wish I had said something at the time, but half my problem was that I had been part of it. I was just as guilty, but I feel guilty.

Didn’t anyone else?

Is it ok, to make jokes at others expense?

Is it ok to use names and display such hate, for what seems so little?

And the night wasn’t all bad, I did have fun, it wasn’t all bitching and backstabbing. No there was a good deal of just enjoying each others company.

 

In other news, my kitchen has just turned into a disaster zone in the time it took to write this.

I guess I am looking for people who are just nice.

So I was wondering if you would mind if I spend some time with you and perhaps people you associate with, find out if nice people still exist (and if they like me).

Of course, I come with the obligatory two kids, but they are really quite well house trained and can sometimes be very entertaining. Late nights out at friends places can be worked out if the friends have a place I can put said children to sleep.

With Mum staying with me I have had a bit more freedom at night, which has meant I was able to go out till later both friday and Saturday night.

 I am now very tired. I am glad I have kids and a good excuse to stay at home. :p

Today was lovely. Firstly I managed to get my recalicitrant lawn mower to work and now my grass is substanially shorter. Secondly Jeremy and I bought a small electronics project to work, which should be awesome. Thirdly I had very nice chocolate in combination with good company. (who can complain?) Fourthly, dinner is yummy indian.

All in all a very good day.

BTW: Happy birthday B for tomorrow.

She completed a degree in Pyschology much later in her life and this combined with her inate ability to understand people makes her a very good shoulder to cry on.

” I have noticed something about you, Jav. Why do you feel the need to tell everyone everything about yourself? You don’t need to share everything with everyone.”

It is true and it is a lesson I have learnt to a certain degree, but it seems I need to come further.

A part of my reason for being so honest/open is that I am claiming all of me, all my good bits and all my bads bits and saying this is me and I like me.

Another part is this need to test that people really accept me before I trust them. That way if they are still there when they know everything, well then I can count on them. Not such a healthy reason. I use my past to screen people.

The point is what attracts us to someone and makes us like them, has very little to do with who they say they are and what they did in the past. Body language, instinct, semblence to other people, unspoken communication makes up the largest part of true communication and it isn’t my words that are winning me friends.

So with that in mind I will reign it in.

Not everyone needs to know everything. So I guess my blog may change slightly now, although I will still be writing out all those emotions. I probably won’t be sharing so many of them here. I may even pull this blog soon, but I am not sure I ready to move on just yet.